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Tallahassee | Jokes

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Tallahassee: Jokes

I guess I'll start this with a joke told to me by my High School Spanish Teacher, Mr. McWilliam, AKA, "Mr. Mac".

"The Bell Ringer"

There was an old army veteran who'd lost his arms Fighting in WWII. Everyday he sat at home watching tv and reading the news. One day he stumbled upon the Job section in the Classified Ads of the Tallahassee Democrat, and decided he would show up in person to apply for the job. The job was for a position as a bell ringer at a Downtown Church. Every hour on the hour, and sometimes on the :30, the bell ringer was responsible for ringing the bell loud enough, so that all of Downtown could hear it. It just so happened, the former bell ringer had retired.

So here comes our friend, the Military Vet, to apply for this job. He knocks on the door of the church and the priest opens the door and greets him, "How can I help you, Sir?" Our vet says, "Yes, I'm here for the job!" Unsure of what job the vet is asking about, the priest responds, "The Job?" The ole Vet says, "Yeah, the job, the Bell ringer job". This elicits a funny look from the priest, who quickly moves to straighten his expression. "Yessir, I believe you may not qualify for that job, you need arms to ring our bell." The ole Vet says, "Oh no sir, I served this country well, and I learned a few good tricks along the way, I'll get that bell to ring for you, loud and proud. Follow me! I'll show you!"

So they both rush to the top of the church where the bell sat, exposed to the outdoors. The priest stood back and observed as the Vet began attempt to ring the bell. The Vet was thrusting his hips into the bell, much the way people do "the bump" with one another. Slowly, the bell began to rock back and forward, back and forward. Then amazingly there was a noise, but not loud enough to impress the Priest.

"I'm sorry sir, I don't think this job is going to work out for you. I could hardly hear that bell ring, how could the rest of downtown hear it?" "Give me one more chance I'll get the Volume up, I can assure you" exhauls the Vet as he goes for one more opportunity to impress the Priest. This time, he uses all of his body -- his back, his legs, his feet, even his head. And for the final thrust, he steps back a good distance from the bell then charges at it. But tragically, he runs too hard; misses the bell, and flips over the balcony of the church and falls face first on the street below.

This frightens the Priest as he rushes down immediately to see about the Vet. The people outside saw everything and were all standing around the splattered corpse of the fallen Vet. "What happened?" cries one man. "Who is this man?" cries another. The Priest looks up and says:

"I didn't get his name............. but his face rings a bell"

:lol:

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This one is a bit mature, told to me by an older man at Publix.

"Santa Clause"

Santa was on his way around the world one Christmas eve delivering presents to good little girls and boys when he stumbled upon this one house where I beautiful woman sat in her living room awaiting his arrival. Once Santa reached the bottom of the Chimney, and began to place presents around the tree, the sexy, seductive woman walks up to Santa and says, "Santa, don't you want to stay a while?" Santa replies, "Ho, Ho, Ho! Santa's got to go! Lot's of Kids and Lots of Snow!"

So the woman whispers a little sweet something in Santa's ear, which gets a rise out of the holly jolly ole fella and she says "Santa are you sure you want to leave?"

Santa replies, "Hey, Hey, Hey! Santa's got to stay! Can't go up the Chimney this way!"

:lol:

ENJOY!!!

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I know I'm not the only one around here that has jokes to share! What's going on with you all!?

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The Mirror

G. Jones, a Tallahassee Publix

One Saturday, this old woman was out at some yard sales in Ox Bottom. She'd stumbled upon this one home where they had some fairly decent stuff up for grabs, namely this funky looking mirror that caught her eye. The old lady leaned over it and asked the owner, "How much do you want for this one." The owner said, "$150, that's a magic mirror, see it even has instructions on the back." The old lady didn't care anything about magic, but she did like the mirror so she said, "I'll give you $75 for it" and the owner sold her the mirror.

So the old lady took the mirror home and went about doing some of her daily chores. She then walked into her bed room to put the mirror on the wall, but before she did, she took a look at the sticker on the back which gave details of how to use the mirror's magic. The old lady chuckled a bit, then decided to give the directions a try to see if the mirror really had any powers. So she chanted:

"Mirror, Mirror on the door, make my breast size 44" and POOF, out popped Dolly Parton from the woman's bosom!

She was so excited! Should could hardly wait to show her husband what she brought. When he got home, she went to open her mouth to tell him when he shouts out, "Whoa, where did those come from?" She goes, you're not going to believe me, but I brought this magic mirror and it did this to me. He throws everything down, and runs upstairs to their room where the mirror was. He reads the inscription on the back of the mirror then out he cries:

"Mirror, Mirror on the door, make my "pecker" touch the floor!" and suddenly POOF, his legs were gone!!

LMAO!!!!! :lol:

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Heard this one from a good ol' boy at Mule Days last year:

Why do men like women in leather pants?

(Because they smell like new trucks.)

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A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the heck can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You idiot, I'm drowning!!."

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A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the heck can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You idiot, I'm drowning!!."

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