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cheshireguy

Joke Warehouse

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Hey UPers!

I thought it might be a good idea to start a topic where you can post your favorite jokes! My wife is in medical sales and is always bugging me for new jokes to tell at the hospitals and the like, so what better resource is there out there than the great minds of GR UPs???

We may want to keep this fairly clean, though, or I think GRDadof3 will boot 'em out.

So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra...

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After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

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I have a ton of really bad jokes.....so I apologize in advance.

A frog walks into a bank with various doo dads and walks up to a loan officer named Patty Whack. He asks Patty can I borrow some money? Patty says, well I don't know, what do you have for collateral. The frog shows her his do dads. She says, I don't know I had better ask the vice president. She goes to the vice president and says I have a frog outside who wants to borrow some money and all he has for collateral are these do dads. The vice president turns to her and says, They're knick knacks Patty Whack, give a frog a loan.

A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The bartender gives him a sandwich, and the panda gobbles it up, turns around shoots the piano player in the back and goes to leave. The bartender yells to the panda saying, what are you doing eating a sandwich shooting my piano player and taking off without paying? The panda says, I'm a panda look it up, and goes. The bartender pulls out a dictionary and looks up Panda. It says Panda: eats shoots and leaves.

One more terrible joke and I will stop.

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel coming out of the fly of his pants and sits down at the bar. The bar tender comes over and says isn't that steering wheel bothering you? The pirate replies, argg, its driving me nuts.

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A guy walks into a bar. It's been a long week, he's tired, and just wants a drink. He sits there, sipping his beer, munching on peanuts, when he suddenly hears a little voice say, "Nice tie!"

He looks around. No one's talking. He figures his nerves are shot and goes back to his beer.

A couple minutes later, the voice says, "That's a great shirt!"

The guy's creeped out. He looks behind him, he checks under his seat, nothing.

Then the voice says, "I really like your haircut! You look good."

The guy calls over the bartender. "Did you say something?" The bartender replies, "No, I didn't say anything. Why?" The guy says, "I keep hearing this voice. It likes my tie."

The bartender says, "Oh! That voice. That's the nuts, sir. They're complimentary."

:ph34r:

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So this Irish guy walks out of a bar.

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What does a fish say when it swims into a wall?

Dam!

[PHC's joke show was last night...will add some of their Unitarian jokes]

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A giant storm overturns a sailboat and the lone survivor, clinging to a chunk

of wood, drifts in the south Pacific for many days before washing up

unconscious on the beach of an uncharted island.

Three days later he wakes in a jungle clearing. A fire is burning in a nearby

pit. The native tending the fire notices the sailor has awakened and comes to

him with a steaming bowl of goats head soup.

"Kemo-Sabe, I thought you would not live. Here, drink this."

"Thank you, you are very kind." The sailor sits up and has some soup. "Mmm

this is good. How long have I been here?" "Three days, kemo-sabe. You looked

as if you had no food for weeks."

Off in the distance, the sailor hears the faint sound of drumming. "Your

hospitality is wonderful, but tell me: what does that drumming mean?"

"When the drums stop, kemo-sabe, it is very bad." And with that the sailor

lapses back into deep sleep.

The sailor doesn't awaken again for two more days. The native is still there

and this time a boar is nicely browning over the pit. The drumming is louder

than it was before.

"Here, kemo-sabe, you will enjoy my roast boar."

"Thank you, it is good. But what is that drumming and why is it getting

closer?" "When the drums stop, kemo-sabe, very bad." And with that the sailor

lapses back into deep sleep.

Three days later the sailor awakens again. This time the drums are much

louder, very close. The native looks worried.

"How long have I been out? And the drums are very close. What do they mean??"

"When the drums stop, kemo-sabe, very, very bad."

All of a sudden the drumming stopped. The sailor felt a panic he had never

felt before. "The drumming has stopped! You have to tell me what happens

now!"

"Very bad, kemo-sabe. Now come bass solo."

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This has a zoning connotation. (Family favorite growing up; both 'rents were shrinks.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read,

"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."

Then came "Minds and Behinds."

Another attempt resulted in

"Lost Souls and Butt Holes."

Analysis and Anal Cysts

Nuts and Butts

Freaks and Cheeks

Loons and Moons

Tops and Bottoms

Queers and Rears

Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

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MI Governor loses her next job opportunity that she has been counting on in the Cabinet and causes Hillary Clinton to lose the White House based on her own actions :rofl:

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MI Governor loses her next job opportunity that she has been counting on in the Cabinet and causes Hillary Clinton to lose the White House based on her own actions :rofl:

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I love this thread. I'm going to have to contribute later but I have really bad hokey jokes. I love to read really good ones though, even the "bad" ones. :rofl:

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Our retired priest's favorite joke for Lent:

A painter always wins jobs with his low bids. He has a habit thinning paint and making a nice profit. On his current job, painting the outside of a church with thin paint, he is up on a ladder when a storm comes along knocking him off his ladder paint, thinner and all. Laying on the ground he looks up at God saying "I'll do anything you ask of me as long as you let me live". God said "go and repaint and thin no more".

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A small, rural Missouri Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem, the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time, redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have relations with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

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Where do you find hippies? Above your leggies.

Two fish are in a tank. One fish looks at the other and asks "ya know how to drive this thing?"

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A small, rural Missouri Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem, the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time, redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have relations with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

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...Now for a few of my lame jokes. I loved telling these because I found them in a magazine of food jokes to tell your kids.......

There are like 3 more of them but they're lame. I don't think I have any really good jokes at all. Sigh...

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Jean, I sent you a mess o' Aggie jokes. Share those.

What's a cat's favorite color?

Purr-ple!

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OK, OK a little harsh, but good word crafting...

Why did Martha Stewart cross the road?

To avoid the throngs of unwashed working class trash shopping for her line of sweatshop manufactured luxury crap sold at local discount retail bacteria farms.

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Our retired priest's favorite joke for Lent:

A painter always wins jobs with his low bids. He has a habit thinning paint and making a nice profit. On his current job, painting the outside of a church with thin paint, he is up on a ladder when a storm comes along knocking him off his ladder paint, thinner and all. Laying on the ground he looks up at God saying "I'll do anything you ask of me as long as you let me live". God said "go and repaint and thin no more".

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Those were great Dadof3! I will definitely pass those on. Keep em coming!!!

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In the same vein,

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9.

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