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Brickell

Orlando Area Barbie Dolls

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Warning: Some may find this offensive to their sensibilities. It was an email forward and I don't know the origin. Some of them are funny, but I think these types of things are interesting way to measure how others see you (or your city). The only problem... Where's downtown barbie?

Orlando Area Barbie Dolls

Mattel recently announced the release of limited edition Barbie dolls for

the Greater Orlando market:

Dr Phillips Barbie

This princess Barbie is only sold at the Millenia Mall. She comes with an

assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired foreign lap-dog

named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with a lawn service. Available

with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic ex-husband Ken comes

with a Porsche.

Altamonte Springs Barbie

This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar mini-van

and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation

or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Can

swear in English and Spanish. Available at Target.

Pine Hills Barbie

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife, a '78 El

Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only

available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably small

bills, unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Winter Park Barbie

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.

Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and country club

membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Spanish-speaking Nanny.

Bithlo Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small,

a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to

major in NASCAR at K-State. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank

Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's

ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a

confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Big Lots &

Dollar General Stores.

Chuluota Barbie

This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled

sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of

Bithlo Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise

acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip-gloss, and a see-through

halter-top. Comes with Barbie's dream doublewide trailer. Available at

Wal-Mart. Cheap.

Apopka Barbie

This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears leopard print Spandex and

drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at the lodge. Into

crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription and botox. Also cheap.

Mount Plymouth Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller, infant doll and Bible. Optional

accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass on LYNX. Gangsta Ken and his '79

Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition

of the infant. Available at any Christian bookstore.

Baldwin Park Barbie

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless

feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She

prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll,

but if you purchase two Baldwin Park Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon,

you get a rainbow flag sticker free.

Winter Garden Barbie

Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion, and is perfect in every way. We

don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or in Japan on

business. Winter Garden Barbie aspires to become Dr Phillips Barbie. Not

cheap, but still very naive.

Winter Springs Barbie

Into football, animals and bonfires. 98% belong to a cult, 2% are free

thinking and void of any "traditions." Does nothing but complain about

College Park Barbie.

Argentine Barbie

This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired

temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This is

the only Barbie willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a meat-packer's

uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not

yet available for Argentine Barbie or Ken.

College Park Barbie/Ken

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply

adding or subtracting the "snap-on" parts. Likes to "experiment." Doesn't

understand why Winter Springs Barbie complains so much.

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oooh... that Deltona one just gives me a sinking feeling.. (bad pun intended)

Next on the list: Mt. Dora, Clermont, and .... (oh the horror)... THE VILLAGES...

The Villages Barbie would be 65+, grey-haired, would drive a golf cart and a huge oversized luxury car, always drive 20 mph below the posted limit, be a lousy tipper, and complain endlessly about paying school taxes.

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A Lake Buena Vista Barbie would be an exchange student, working at the mouse house trying to make ends meet with the low pay from Disney. She's very attractive and from Sweden. This 19 year old doesn't have a car because she is on work program for 6 months so she relys on rides from her pal Gay Ken who also works at Disney. Barbie comes with a work Visa and passport. Gay Ken sold separately.

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